I found this in the drafts ~

Hi there, blogworld. I havn't written in a massively long time. A friend reminded me of your existence recently. Funny thing is though, my first ever post was around this time last year. Perhaps it's just a good time for blogspot? Who really knows.

It's rather cold, my fingers losing warmth as well as feeling as I take them from underneath the warm covers in order to type. Some things just seem awkward- frozen fingers flitting across slippery keys, their movements jerky, slightly difficult to control. That's all due to the cold. The icy air. But the sun shines on. As it always does... As it always does. Awkwardness seems to be so recurrent in my life now. But it was probably always there. I've just realised, noticed it more.

When I'm alone, alone inside my head, alone with my thoughts. That's when it's most awkward. Not to me. But I am, to other people. Someone speaks to me. I feel off guard, lost as to what's going on. Confused. Alone. But mostly lost. Not lost on the path of life, no. I have not lost my way. But lost in my head. Isolated from other people. Isolated from the world. Just kind of apart from everything. I guess it's always felt that way. 

Circles

I had brunch with my girlfriend's family a while ago. My exgirlfriend now. I had brunch with my exgirlfriends family. When we were together. And they're all so loving and wonderful and trying to make the world a better place and they're soo functional! I had a sudden clarity that THIS is what a functional family is like. And it's soo nice. And the stark contrast of my family is horrible and daunting. I really miss what I didn't fully realise I had missed through my childhood. I honestly never quite understood how much I didn't have. The lack of support. There was love but it was confused and stressed and delicate. And I understand now why it seems odd - and a strange success - that me and my sister aren't "screwed up". Although we sure have our fair share of issues. Stark contrast does wonders for your perspective, huh.

And I've found another lover. 'Found'. As if he just happened to cross my path. No, he had been there all along and I was blind. Or had become blind. But slowly awoken. See, we wrote a poem together. And he harmonized to one of my favourite songs. And he encourages me to sing. Learns the songs I want to play. And he sent me this text, opening up to me, and it felt so special. I felt him a kindred spirit. And he did my hair like his, which was incredibly special I knew. And then, without even meaning to I'm sure, he touched my feet with his and I couldn't speak. And I nudged back, ever so soft, and the hint was taken. And our feet intertwined for the rest of the night. And later, much later, we sat writing a song and opening up and talking of our twisted chilhoods and stroking hands and feet and he was blushing and it was the cutest sweetest thing. And when we embraced he stroked my hair and held me to his chest and I felt such love flow forth. Such love! And since then we have embraced many more, explored hands and feet, opened hearts, minds, shared. There is more to share. More to open to sunlight - I feel him hold back. He's not used to sharing so much. But such kindness and concern, and love in those eyes, and holding me tight, and when I cry, when my illness plays up and crushes my spirits, he holds me and says "tell me if there's anything I can do" and he just holds me tight and sends me love, all concerned, all empathic. And it is so so so beautiful. And my mind goes 'what did you do to deserve this?' over and over and over. And he looks at my tear streaked face and cups my chin in his hand and says "you are so so beautiful." Thank you Universe.

And yet I feel confused. I think I need more alone time. To de-fizzle. And to understand things more. Let it all go. November. How long now? 25 days. And Luke's death day is once more. But what is it except another day on the calender really? Just another date. Yet it means so much. Affects so much. And Bradley's birthday is once more. How odd! I'll never quite understand it, I am sure.

And it seems to me that everything goes in a circle, beginning to end, it must play out to the end! And I feel like we must play it through all over again - when me and you broke up, Luke, when we broke up I didn't think so much of the good times, I didn't try to understand it all. I did, however, understand tat you were in pain and I accepted that, even allowed you to hurt me, explaining it away. I just ran and distracted myself, and felt empty and confused and heartbroken, and blocked so much of it out. It took me a lot to assert to myself that you should not have hurt me like that. That was not fair on me. That you had seriously psychologically affected me. And it took a lot longer to realise that you had been in a very very place when we were together, and probably before, and definitely after, and I hadn't realised the depth of that. And I never really felt like I had moved on, or fully gotten over you. Because I did remember a lot of the beauty. And tragedy. And I liked the poetic nature of it all. And I loved how much you loved me. Even though so much of it was twisted. But when you passed on it jolted me to look at it all all over again. Relive it, in some way. And it was like the end of the cycle. Like it had to be remembered in some more of its entirety, not all because my memory really does suck, in order to be let go and moved on from. I'm still not sure I have let you go though. The girl with the red balloon doth hold on?
The cycle feels unfinished with Bradley. I need to remember how it was, in more clarity, understand it more deeply, and then it can be let go. I think what I mean is that my mind needs that form of clarity. It's not like I want him back. I just want to understand. And it would be nice to have his company around. I do miss that. But, as I have realised with Luke, there are soo many angles to view things from, and so much has been forgotten, that I can say it's like this, or that, and decide that that feels right or seems to fit, but really it's so much more complex. There is such an array of circumstance and inbuilt reaction and psychological scarring and personal dynamic that these things can be shallowly explained at best. There's still a lot to go to understand Bradley. You're still special to me Luke, as is he. Always. These people, these lives which have touched us, they will always be special and close.

I have another friend, going through a hard time, and I wonder how much I take on. Because I have that tendency. How much is my own? I need to establish alone time. But there are so many songs to learn! haha. That's what you get when your band starts getting gigs. All should be wonderful and perfect; Uni over, possible job approaching, so much music, amazing boyfriend, awesome friends, - but we know how little trust to put in 'should's.  Illness corrupts so much. Illness takes so much pleasure away. I feel overwhelmed. And tired. And sore. And on the brink of tears. ~ alone time is required. And some magic to heal me. arghhh thank you Universe. Thank you and thank you and thank you and thank you. And please please please just cover me in a blanket of sleep dust and leave me be for all eternity. Just dissolve this world away.

And death just seems to happen.
People just disappear into the void.
This is Macaila, drunk, trying to do an assignment.
What do you think of doing of doing cactus? Reckon it's enlightening? I've got some friends who would tell you so. I tend to disagree. But then I haven't experienced it so perhaps I'm not the best council.
And another one bites the dust.
I barely knew her. Just a face and a name and a character. But so many people will be in pain now. Feeling what I have felt - the isolation, the anger, the sorrow and bewilderment of death.
And I'm displaced - haven't really had a home for almost a year now. A flat, sure, but that's not home. Home is in Bradley's arms. But I can't be there always. I feel displaced. No base. And Bradley's place isn't available as a home- that just causes more problems. See, even he needs time apart. As do I, though I find it hard to admit. Hard to realise. Hard to enforce.
I think it's in my nature to be over loving. I wonder if it's suffocating. I always thought it would be honouring. But I guess one can become desensitized to anything. And annoyed.
My mind is woozy, not quite connected to my fingers.
My friend's exboyfriend reminds me of Luke. It's probably terrible but I want to meet up with him and get to know him, simply to see if the reminders continue. To know what he's about. I messaged him on facebook. He hasn't replied yet. I hope he does. It's not just curiosity, it's a kind of a drive.
What is influenced by the universe? What's a sign, what is simply another event? A coincidence? How do we know? Why do I care? The world seems an infinite array of meaningless paths right now. Which do I choose? And how can it really truly matter in the long run? I feel like no matter what I will feel the same. Things happen and reactions happen and so on so forth and such as there is an outcome - if we can't tell what the other coutcomes will be, how does it concern us? WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
The world is one confusion cluster. And it all seems so completely unlinked and meaningless right now.
I want to help. How can I help when we are so screwed up, the earth, society, it's all so screwed. How can anything happen? Little steps.
Little steps, Macaila.That's all you can do. But why? Why does it matter so much? It doesn't feel like anything will really change. Why do I care?
I don't feel like I could live with myself if I didn't try to change something. But it seems so much like there is only this tiny thing I could do -- and it won't really change anything.
Still, I must try. Try create the society and community I envision.
There. That's a rant for y'all, if anyone reads this. I doubt they do haha. It was left such a long time ago.
Yo, Luke, You were a real cool spirit. I miss you. I wish we could have stayed friends. Or caught up at some point. It would have been so cool to know you again. And I did want to catch up. I think that's part of why it was is hard - I always imagined we would meet up and chat about our different lives. That you'd be okay. Happy even. We might have seen eye to eye. I don't know. It would have been awesome to get to know you once more. I feel like I've missed something. Death is such a strange strange thing.
I've been listening to a selection of bands you used to listen to - in particular I've rediscovered Okkervil River. It's really cool. Thank you.
Ah. I guess this blog is far too linked to Luke to not think of him.
And death too. Just another link back to you.
I think I understand you a whole lot more than I did when I was dating you now. Especially the things that depressed you. Ha. Strange. I wouldn't have expected that at all .But I guess there's a lot I wouldn't have expected. Didn't expect.
Anicha. It will all change. Everything is changing. Everything has changed. I wish I could be perpetually in that summer holiday where nothing could grab my mind - it was lost in confusion over death - but summer glazed it over with happiness and adventure. I wasn't coping but I couldn't realise it - in the moment never seems as bad as it is. I wonder if that's how now is. Will I look back and be like "wow I was in a bad state"? Hmm. Anicha. Anicha. Anicha.

Hello blogspot, 2 years on.
I'm here because I have an inkling that Luke's birthday would have been either June the 23rd of July the 23rd (both could be wrong, quite possible) and I want to know. I couldn't seem to find it on facebook or anywhere - and obituaries apparently get deleted pretty soon after they're sent out, though I don't think it would have been on there either. If I were at home maybe I could look at the funeral pamphlet thingy they give out. It would be on there.
The extra significance would be, though, that it was just after his birthday that I last saw him. Maybe a couple of weeks after, last year. Just randomly passing on the street. And I wanted to say happy birthday. I wanted to let him know that he hadn't been nothing to me. That I had remembered this small almost insignificant thing. But I was too scared. And I can't remember it anymore. I wonder if it would have meant anything to him.
It was a strange day. Me and my boyfriend were locked out of my house - I had dropped the key. And he was tired or sick, so I left him waiting, almost sleeping on the step, and went to find the key in the gully we had been exploring. I was cycling and there, walking along laughing like they always did, was Luke and Terry. And I almost froze - what should I do? We were crossing paths. The first time we had seen each other in over a year. And we hadn't exactly parted on good terms. I felt guilty, remembering my boyfriend waiting for me. I felt guilty to them both. And why? Because I happened to pass Luke on the street? Because I happened to have found a new love? It had taken me long enough. And even then I'm sure I wasn't over him. I was poised to flee. And what did he do? Their conversation paused as they neared me. But he just said hello and gave a slight wave, a slight smile. Bewildered, really not expecting this at all, I waved and gave a small hello back. I was shell shocked. It's okay? Everything is okay between us? Really? He's passed it all? Has he forgiven me?
And I wanted to say happy birthday. But I had passed him. And in searching for my key I happened to sort of follow them across a park, from a distance, and I felt I could just speed a little and catch up - and catch up, see how he was going, what he'd been up to. See how he had changed. And I kept my distance. Hoping they didn't think I was following them. But where were they going?
And I found the key in the gully. And I sat and I let my tears out. It had been a hard time, I was left with more than a few scars, as was he, and now it had passed? Shock, shock, shock. Bewilderment.
And then, a few months later, on November the 29th 2012, he disappears to Neverland.
Goodbye Luke. Rest In Peace.
And, during the struggle of coming to terms with your death - though you were no longer in my life somehow you had left it? It makes no sense to me. - I came to know Bradley. And the most strange thing of all, to me so strange, is that his birthday happens to be the day of your death. Except, of course, many years before.
Consequence? No meaning there? I knew it, as I came to know him, perhaps on our third encounter, I knew of this consequence - but I thought nothing of it. And now it looms in my mind, a piece of knowledge that just seems all too bizarre to be pure consequence. And, if you read 'The Celestine Prophecy' you'll know that consequences don't have to be meaningless. But it seems so odd that the guy I want to stay with, I can see myself having a future with, happens to have entered this world on the day that you left.Or perhaps it's the other way around. You happened to leave on the day he had entered.
I kept thinking things were signs from you, somehow your invention, your design, that you were there trying to look out for me, trying to send me messages, somehow more peaceful, somehow happy. And, as I drove back from Auckland one day, a truck stopped beside us, some advertising slogan on its side - but all I could see through my window was "you deserve the best". I grinned. And the truck moved on, revealing that the slogan was for a courier company - which made me grin more. 'The message was delivered to me by courier.' Perhaps I do. Don't we all? I need to stop feeling guilty somehow. I've found the life I want to live. I should be soo happy - and mostly I am, don't get that wrong.
When was he born? I want to celebrate it somehow. Raise my glass to the world for letting me know this guy, just for a moment. I may have missed it. I wonder if it matters which day it's on? Perhaps I'll just decide that on this or that particular day I'll celebrate, it needn't be the day.
Ah. Life is fraught with difficulty, with scars from the past, and with joys which we may forget to enjoy. Sometimes there are too many emotions and I can't figure it all out. Sometimes life is perfect - and that, that is enlightenment. I don't think this will all just pass in an instant. I think it's a slow process. Isn't everything, when you focus upon each second?

DECEMBER!!

Mwahahaha! I have so far written at least one blog a month since I started this-- I think. Maybe I got that wrong, I'm not so good with months. I often think that August is actually November (or at least that the order is October August or that September doesn't exist).
And so, this is my December post, to continue on the tradition. Perhaps there will be two December posts, or more. Who knows? I may go completely blog mad and write a hundred- but that will be determined at a later date. Right now, I will ensure there is no risk of not having a December post by making one. And this is it! Wow, isn't it the best ever December post that I've ever written (so far in my life)? There is no need to point out that I havn't ever had a December post before as my blog started in May. Absolutely none. And if you do, I will travel to your house (where ever that may be, Africa, Iceland, I will be there) and personally slap you. HA! Won't say it now, will you?!
Alright, moving on. All my family is watching Harry Potter. Most of 'em anyhow, as they came down for christmas. Have you noticed that Harry Potter is played every year (all of the movies one night after the other, in order) at the same time, just after christmas. Are we all Harry obsessed? This is like THE movie that everyone knows. I think if we had one national movie- like a national anthem- it would be Harry Potter. Even though its not a New Zealand movie, its just that everyones seen it. Honestly, if there is someone that hasn't watched Harry Potter, everyone will be incredulous- it's even worse than not owning a television (and believe you me that is met with utter disbelief). I wonder if everyone in the ENTIRE world has seen it. Discluding perhaps those that are rather not well off (wow that's almost politically correct).
Actually, if we truly did have a national movie it would probably have to be NZ and therefore something like The Whale Rider or Boy.
Christmas is being politically corrected in America, apparently. They (who ever 'they' are, they truly owe a lot, I mean 'they' were responsible for my house being robbed and all the presents being taken on christmas eve) have decided that christmas is disrespectful to other minority religions. So 'they' are slowly changing everything- christmas trees are now called 'holiday' trees, christmas cards 'seasonal' cards or 'holiday greetings', and so on, and christmas will become something truly strage like 'The Holiday', all capitalised for importance but with no reference to anything at all.
The minority leaders said that they don't really care what christmas trees are called and so forth, but its happening all the same. Stupid overly correct 'they'. Extremists.
December blog good enough for you? I think so. Goodnight :D

Peppermint tea

I made myself a cup of peppermint tea and proceeded to slowly walk up the stairs, balancing the cup so that nothing sloshed over the edges. This is different to my usual scrambling run which often ends in me crawling, having tripped halfway. I finally made it upstairs and sat down at my desk, placing my delicious cup in front of me. I turned on my computer, all settled and ready to finish my biology report (and start it too), just as a call came from downstairs; "MACAILA!!" Sighing, I left to answer the offending call.

It turns out it's not a good idea to forget that you have a very old, practically antique computer. Especially if, every time you turn it on, the cd drive opens, a bit like it's sticking its tongue out at you (which prompted me to draw a pair of large cartoon eyes and set it as my desktop background). And if you happened to place your peppermint filled teacup exactly where it needed to be put in order to be knocked over by said computers tongue. Not a good idea.

So I reappeared moments later, after attending to The Mother, and there was peppermint tea all over my desk, dribbling down the walls, and even soaked into the carpet. Not good. But, as it turns out, not especially bad. For, having cleaned up the sticky spillage (you can not tell me that peppermint tea is good without the honey. You're insane. It needs that sweetness to balance the tang), I now have a deliciously peppermint smelling room, and I rid myself of a nest of dust and spiders that was hidden under my desk.

Now I will carry on with my report, this blog has taken long enough to distract me. Naughty peoples you, not cool.

This was written on several different occasions and doesn't particularly mean ANYTHING! Read it your own peril.

I was in a strange mood, my last post, probably due to the sickness which spread through my veins, slowly the little viruses (virusi?) breaking into my cells and laying their young inside them, which grow and rip them apart, ready to spread more infection throughout my weak and frail frame.


*coughs* so,... back on task... *ahem* where was I?


Right, okay. Moving on now.


I read the comments on my blog and I find myself searching for the like button on them. Ive been facebook-enized!!! Curses! Facebook is taking over! I think there is one of those lil 'like this on facebook' buttons after the posts on peoples blogs though. I wonder if its disable-able.
Luke is deleting his facebook account! *gasp* Shock, horror! It takes two weeks though, and you musn't log on or check e-mails from them in that time. Or they re activate it. They live in hope, they do. Knowing how its roots inbed themselves deep into our brain, sucking away our thought so that anything faintly amusing that we see becomes "wow! Lets put THAT on facebook!" He wrote a really super mega awesome choclately fudge coated facebook suicide note for it! I was worried when he told me, not realising that it was his facebook suiciding, not him. "I'm dieing here" ahh!!


I just went for a walk through the *ahem* forest (more like a gully) at the back of boys high school. It was very awesome. Slippery and wet, so very muddy. My yellow shoes were contaminated. Will they ever recover?!



Hmm I'm just searching for things to say in this. I keep leaving it as a draft then coming back. I need inspiration! Something to make this all the better, and seemingly finished.



Why are we meant to capitalise our 'I' s?? It's like saying; "I'm superior! I'm so super important that I get a capital I" I bet it was some stupid over indulgent self obsessed man who first started that trend. Of course it was a man, don't be silly, how could it be other wise?! Only men are that shallow and selfish. Only men would think of capitalising the letter 'I' in order to make themselves more important and superior.

Women on the other hand. Women are nasty vile creatures who scratch out peoples hearts and over dramatise everything, just for fun. If I had it my way, I would be neither. Definitely not both, just neither. I shiver with disgust as I realise I belong to that group, those evil creatures.

... I looked it up, the capitalised 'I' thingy :D
It's still a stupid reason though. Originally it was believed that 'I' looked better than 'i', and soon it just became common practice. When the English language had all its rules written out --so that nothing could be any different from anything else, even letters are uniform. It's grilled into us 'conform to the rules of the universe, conform to the ideas the world holds, conform to the grammer rules and use them daily so that you are just like everybody else'. Man, individuality gets squished.-- the capitalised 'I' was chosen.
For the love of appearance. It's a fine thing, appearance, looks, the precious coating of flavour for the eyes. For our 'I's. The sweet aroma for our mind.

Hmm, I do pronounce this blog post too long already! Plus, I realised that I have posted one blog each month since I started. And that, my friend, is totally cool. I'ma try and keep that up. But now that I've written that, I feel obliged, trapped into doing it. Grr. DELETE! (If I actually delete it, its as good as not having happened. So I must not delete it.)
I just watched a movie, it included this philosophical question, posted for you:
If you put a cat in a box with a machine that pumps out gas at random different intervals- but you don't know when, and thus you don't know whether or not the cat is dead or alive unless you look into the box- is the cat dead, alive, both simultaneously, or neither?
The scientist concluded both. I think the scientist should have made it slightly more interesting by increasing the potency of the gas so that if he opened the box at the wrong time he, too, would get gassed. He would save a lot of cats that way. Flirt with death at the same time as killing the creatures that wanted no part in it in the first place- probably. Hes gay.
Actually its the same question; if a tree falls in the forest but noone sees, has it still fallen?
If someone murders someone else, but noone notices, are they still dead?
Of course they are you idiot! You just won't know till you go looking. Not knowing and it not having occured are two different things. Although to your mind they are kind of similar.