And death just seems to happen.
People just disappear into the void.
This is Macaila, drunk, trying to do an assignment.
What do you think of doing of doing cactus? Reckon it's enlightening? I've got some friends who would tell you so. I tend to disagree. But then I haven't experienced it so perhaps I'm not the best council.
And another one bites the dust.
I barely knew her. Just a face and a name and a character. But so many people will be in pain now. Feeling what I have felt - the isolation, the anger, the sorrow and bewilderment of death.
And I'm displaced - haven't really had a home for almost a year now. A flat, sure, but that's not home. Home is in Bradley's arms. But I can't be there always. I feel displaced. No base. And Bradley's place isn't available as a home- that just causes more problems. See, even he needs time apart. As do I, though I find it hard to admit. Hard to realise. Hard to enforce.
I think it's in my nature to be over loving. I wonder if it's suffocating. I always thought it would be honouring. But I guess one can become desensitized to anything. And annoyed.
My mind is woozy, not quite connected to my fingers.
My friend's exboyfriend reminds me of Luke. It's probably terrible but I want to meet up with him and get to know him, simply to see if the reminders continue. To know what he's about. I messaged him on facebook. He hasn't replied yet. I hope he does. It's not just curiosity, it's a kind of a drive.
What is influenced by the universe? What's a sign, what is simply another event? A coincidence? How do we know? Why do I care? The world seems an infinite array of meaningless paths right now. Which do I choose? And how can it really truly matter in the long run? I feel like no matter what I will feel the same. Things happen and reactions happen and so on so forth and such as there is an outcome - if we can't tell what the other coutcomes will be, how does it concern us? WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
The world is one confusion cluster. And it all seems so completely unlinked and meaningless right now.
I want to help. How can I help when we are so screwed up, the earth, society, it's all so screwed. How can anything happen? Little steps.
Little steps, Macaila.That's all you can do. But why? Why does it matter so much? It doesn't feel like anything will really change. Why do I care?
I don't feel like I could live with myself if I didn't try to change something. But it seems so much like there is only this tiny thing I could do -- and it won't really change anything.
Still, I must try. Try create the society and community I envision.
There. That's a rant for y'all, if anyone reads this. I doubt they do haha. It was left such a long time ago.
Yo, Luke, You were a real cool spirit. I miss you. I wish we could have stayed friends. Or caught up at some point. It would have been so cool to know you again. And I did want to catch up. I think that's part of why it was is hard - I always imagined we would meet up and chat about our different lives. That you'd be okay. Happy even. We might have seen eye to eye. I don't know. It would have been awesome to get to know you once more. I feel like I've missed something. Death is such a strange strange thing.
I've been listening to a selection of bands you used to listen to - in particular I've rediscovered Okkervil River. It's really cool. Thank you.
Ah. I guess this blog is far too linked to Luke to not think of him.
And death too. Just another link back to you.
I think I understand you a whole lot more than I did when I was dating you now. Especially the things that depressed you. Ha. Strange. I wouldn't have expected that at all .But I guess there's a lot I wouldn't have expected. Didn't expect.
Anicha. It will all change. Everything is changing. Everything has changed. I wish I could be perpetually in that summer holiday where nothing could grab my mind - it was lost in confusion over death - but summer glazed it over with happiness and adventure. I wasn't coping but I couldn't realise it - in the moment never seems as bad as it is. I wonder if that's how now is. Will I look back and be like "wow I was in a bad state"? Hmm. Anicha. Anicha. Anicha.