And death just seems to happen.
People just disappear into the void.
This is Macaila, drunk, trying to do an assignment.
What do you think of doing of doing cactus? Reckon it's enlightening? I've got some friends who would tell you so. I tend to disagree. But then I haven't experienced it so perhaps I'm not the best council.
And another one bites the dust.
I barely knew her. Just a face and a name and a character. But so many people will be in pain now. Feeling what I have felt - the isolation, the anger, the sorrow and bewilderment of death.
And I'm displaced - haven't really had a home for almost a year now. A flat, sure, but that's not home. Home is in Bradley's arms. But I can't be there always. I feel displaced. No base. And Bradley's place isn't available as a home- that just causes more problems. See, even he needs time apart. As do I, though I find it hard to admit. Hard to realise. Hard to enforce.
I think it's in my nature to be over loving. I wonder if it's suffocating. I always thought it would be honouring. But I guess one can become desensitized to anything. And annoyed.
My mind is woozy, not quite connected to my fingers.
My friend's exboyfriend reminds me of Luke. It's probably terrible but I want to meet up with him and get to know him, simply to see if the reminders continue. To know what he's about. I messaged him on facebook. He hasn't replied yet. I hope he does. It's not just curiosity, it's a kind of a drive.
What is influenced by the universe? What's a sign, what is simply another event? A coincidence? How do we know? Why do I care? The world seems an infinite array of meaningless paths right now. Which do I choose? And how can it really truly matter in the long run? I feel like no matter what I will feel the same. Things happen and reactions happen and so on so forth and such as there is an outcome - if we can't tell what the other coutcomes will be, how does it concern us? WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
The world is one confusion cluster. And it all seems so completely unlinked and meaningless right now.
I want to help. How can I help when we are so screwed up, the earth, society, it's all so screwed. How can anything happen? Little steps.
Little steps, Macaila.That's all you can do. But why? Why does it matter so much? It doesn't feel like anything will really change. Why do I care?
I don't feel like I could live with myself if I didn't try to change something. But it seems so much like there is only this tiny thing I could do -- and it won't really change anything.
Still, I must try. Try create the society and community I envision.
There. That's a rant for y'all, if anyone reads this. I doubt they do haha. It was left such a long time ago.
Yo, Luke, You were a real cool spirit. I miss you. I wish we could have stayed friends. Or caught up at some point. It would have been so cool to know you again. And I did want to catch up. I think that's part of why it was is hard - I always imagined we would meet up and chat about our different lives. That you'd be okay. Happy even. We might have seen eye to eye. I don't know. It would have been awesome to get to know you once more. I feel like I've missed something. Death is such a strange strange thing.
I've been listening to a selection of bands you used to listen to - in particular I've rediscovered Okkervil River. It's really cool. Thank you.
Ah. I guess this blog is far too linked to Luke to not think of him.
And death too. Just another link back to you.
I think I understand you a whole lot more than I did when I was dating you now. Especially the things that depressed you. Ha. Strange. I wouldn't have expected that at all .But I guess there's a lot I wouldn't have expected. Didn't expect.
Anicha. It will all change. Everything is changing. Everything has changed. I wish I could be perpetually in that summer holiday where nothing could grab my mind - it was lost in confusion over death - but summer glazed it over with happiness and adventure. I wasn't coping but I couldn't realise it - in the moment never seems as bad as it is. I wonder if that's how now is. Will I look back and be like "wow I was in a bad state"? Hmm. Anicha. Anicha. Anicha.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
Hello blogspot, 2 years on.
I'm here because I have an inkling that Luke's birthday would have been either June the 23rd of July the 23rd (both could be wrong, quite possible) and I want to know. I couldn't seem to find it on facebook or anywhere - and obituaries apparently get deleted pretty soon after they're sent out, though I don't think it would have been on there either. If I were at home maybe I could look at the funeral pamphlet thingy they give out. It would be on there.
The extra significance would be, though, that it was just after his birthday that I last saw him. Maybe a couple of weeks after, last year. Just randomly passing on the street. And I wanted to say happy birthday. I wanted to let him know that he hadn't been nothing to me. That I had remembered this small almost insignificant thing. But I was too scared. And I can't remember it anymore. I wonder if it would have meant anything to him.
It was a strange day. Me and my boyfriend were locked out of my house - I had dropped the key. And he was tired or sick, so I left him waiting, almost sleeping on the step, and went to find the key in the gully we had been exploring. I was cycling and there, walking along laughing like they always did, was Luke and Terry. And I almost froze - what should I do? We were crossing paths. The first time we had seen each other in over a year. And we hadn't exactly parted on good terms. I felt guilty, remembering my boyfriend waiting for me. I felt guilty to them both. And why? Because I happened to pass Luke on the street? Because I happened to have found a new love? It had taken me long enough. And even then I'm sure I wasn't over him. I was poised to flee. And what did he do? Their conversation paused as they neared me. But he just said hello and gave a slight wave, a slight smile. Bewildered, really not expecting this at all, I waved and gave a small hello back. I was shell shocked. It's okay? Everything is okay between us? Really? He's passed it all? Has he forgiven me?
And I wanted to say happy birthday. But I had passed him. And in searching for my key I happened to sort of follow them across a park, from a distance, and I felt I could just speed a little and catch up - and catch up, see how he was going, what he'd been up to. See how he had changed. And I kept my distance. Hoping they didn't think I was following them. But where were they going?
And I found the key in the gully. And I sat and I let my tears out. It had been a hard time, I was left with more than a few scars, as was he, and now it had passed? Shock, shock, shock. Bewilderment.
And then, a few months later, on November the 29th 2012, he disappears to Neverland.
Goodbye Luke. Rest In Peace.
And, during the struggle of coming to terms with your death - though you were no longer in my life somehow you had left it? It makes no sense to me. - I came to know Bradley. And the most strange thing of all, to me so strange, is that his birthday happens to be the day of your death. Except, of course, many years before.
Consequence? No meaning there? I knew it, as I came to know him, perhaps on our third encounter, I knew of this consequence - but I thought nothing of it. And now it looms in my mind, a piece of knowledge that just seems all too bizarre to be pure consequence. And, if you read 'The Celestine Prophecy' you'll know that consequences don't have to be meaningless. But it seems so odd that the guy I want to stay with, I can see myself having a future with, happens to have entered this world on the day that you left.Or perhaps it's the other way around. You happened to leave on the day he had entered.
I kept thinking things were signs from you, somehow your invention, your design, that you were there trying to look out for me, trying to send me messages, somehow more peaceful, somehow happy. And, as I drove back from Auckland one day, a truck stopped beside us, some advertising slogan on its side - but all I could see through my window was "you deserve the best". I grinned. And the truck moved on, revealing that the slogan was for a courier company - which made me grin more. 'The message was delivered to me by courier.' Perhaps I do. Don't we all? I need to stop feeling guilty somehow. I've found the life I want to live. I should be soo happy - and mostly I am, don't get that wrong.
When was he born? I want to celebrate it somehow. Raise my glass to the world for letting me know this guy, just for a moment. I may have missed it. I wonder if it matters which day it's on? Perhaps I'll just decide that on this or that particular day I'll celebrate, it needn't be the day.
Ah. Life is fraught with difficulty, with scars from the past, and with joys which we may forget to enjoy. Sometimes there are too many emotions and I can't figure it all out. Sometimes life is perfect - and that, that is enlightenment. I don't think this will all just pass in an instant. I think it's a slow process. Isn't everything, when you focus upon each second?
I'm here because I have an inkling that Luke's birthday would have been either June the 23rd of July the 23rd (both could be wrong, quite possible) and I want to know. I couldn't seem to find it on facebook or anywhere - and obituaries apparently get deleted pretty soon after they're sent out, though I don't think it would have been on there either. If I were at home maybe I could look at the funeral pamphlet thingy they give out. It would be on there.
The extra significance would be, though, that it was just after his birthday that I last saw him. Maybe a couple of weeks after, last year. Just randomly passing on the street. And I wanted to say happy birthday. I wanted to let him know that he hadn't been nothing to me. That I had remembered this small almost insignificant thing. But I was too scared. And I can't remember it anymore. I wonder if it would have meant anything to him.
It was a strange day. Me and my boyfriend were locked out of my house - I had dropped the key. And he was tired or sick, so I left him waiting, almost sleeping on the step, and went to find the key in the gully we had been exploring. I was cycling and there, walking along laughing like they always did, was Luke and Terry. And I almost froze - what should I do? We were crossing paths. The first time we had seen each other in over a year. And we hadn't exactly parted on good terms. I felt guilty, remembering my boyfriend waiting for me. I felt guilty to them both. And why? Because I happened to pass Luke on the street? Because I happened to have found a new love? It had taken me long enough. And even then I'm sure I wasn't over him. I was poised to flee. And what did he do? Their conversation paused as they neared me. But he just said hello and gave a slight wave, a slight smile. Bewildered, really not expecting this at all, I waved and gave a small hello back. I was shell shocked. It's okay? Everything is okay between us? Really? He's passed it all? Has he forgiven me?
And I wanted to say happy birthday. But I had passed him. And in searching for my key I happened to sort of follow them across a park, from a distance, and I felt I could just speed a little and catch up - and catch up, see how he was going, what he'd been up to. See how he had changed. And I kept my distance. Hoping they didn't think I was following them. But where were they going?
And I found the key in the gully. And I sat and I let my tears out. It had been a hard time, I was left with more than a few scars, as was he, and now it had passed? Shock, shock, shock. Bewilderment.
And then, a few months later, on November the 29th 2012, he disappears to Neverland.
Goodbye Luke. Rest In Peace.
And, during the struggle of coming to terms with your death - though you were no longer in my life somehow you had left it? It makes no sense to me. - I came to know Bradley. And the most strange thing of all, to me so strange, is that his birthday happens to be the day of your death. Except, of course, many years before.
Consequence? No meaning there? I knew it, as I came to know him, perhaps on our third encounter, I knew of this consequence - but I thought nothing of it. And now it looms in my mind, a piece of knowledge that just seems all too bizarre to be pure consequence. And, if you read 'The Celestine Prophecy' you'll know that consequences don't have to be meaningless. But it seems so odd that the guy I want to stay with, I can see myself having a future with, happens to have entered this world on the day that you left.Or perhaps it's the other way around. You happened to leave on the day he had entered.
I kept thinking things were signs from you, somehow your invention, your design, that you were there trying to look out for me, trying to send me messages, somehow more peaceful, somehow happy. And, as I drove back from Auckland one day, a truck stopped beside us, some advertising slogan on its side - but all I could see through my window was "you deserve the best". I grinned. And the truck moved on, revealing that the slogan was for a courier company - which made me grin more. 'The message was delivered to me by courier.' Perhaps I do. Don't we all? I need to stop feeling guilty somehow. I've found the life I want to live. I should be soo happy - and mostly I am, don't get that wrong.
When was he born? I want to celebrate it somehow. Raise my glass to the world for letting me know this guy, just for a moment. I may have missed it. I wonder if it matters which day it's on? Perhaps I'll just decide that on this or that particular day I'll celebrate, it needn't be the day.
Ah. Life is fraught with difficulty, with scars from the past, and with joys which we may forget to enjoy. Sometimes there are too many emotions and I can't figure it all out. Sometimes life is perfect - and that, that is enlightenment. I don't think this will all just pass in an instant. I think it's a slow process. Isn't everything, when you focus upon each second?
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