I had brunch with my girlfriend's family a while ago. My exgirlfriend now. I had brunch with my exgirlfriends family. When we were together. And they're all so loving and wonderful and trying to make the world a better place and they're soo functional! I had a sudden clarity that THIS is what a functional family is like. And it's soo nice. And the stark contrast of my family is horrible and daunting. I really miss what I didn't fully realise I had missed through my childhood. I honestly never quite understood how much I didn't have. The lack of support. There was love but it was confused and stressed and delicate. And I understand now why it seems odd - and a strange success - that me and my sister aren't "screwed up". Although we sure have our fair share of issues. Stark contrast does wonders for your perspective, huh.
And I've found another lover. 'Found'. As if he just happened to cross my path. No, he had been there all along and I was blind. Or had become blind. But slowly awoken. See, we wrote a poem together. And he harmonized to one of my favourite songs. And he encourages me to sing. Learns the songs I want to play. And he sent me this text, opening up to me, and it felt so special. I felt him a kindred spirit. And he did my hair like his, which was incredibly special I knew. And then, without even meaning to I'm sure, he touched my feet with his and I couldn't speak. And I nudged back, ever so soft, and the hint was taken. And our feet intertwined for the rest of the night. And later, much later, we sat writing a song and opening up and talking of our twisted chilhoods and stroking hands and feet and he was blushing and it was the cutest sweetest thing. And when we embraced he stroked my hair and held me to his chest and I felt such love flow forth. Such love! And since then we have embraced many more, explored hands and feet, opened hearts, minds, shared. There is more to share. More to open to sunlight - I feel him hold back. He's not used to sharing so much. But such kindness and concern, and love in those eyes, and holding me tight, and when I cry, when my illness plays up and crushes my spirits, he holds me and says "tell me if there's anything I can do" and he just holds me tight and sends me love, all concerned, all empathic. And it is so so so beautiful. And my mind goes 'what did you do to deserve this?' over and over and over. And he looks at my tear streaked face and cups my chin in his hand and says "you are so so beautiful." Thank you Universe.
And yet I feel confused. I think I need more alone time. To de-fizzle. And to understand things more. Let it all go. November. How long now? 25 days. And Luke's death day is once more. But what is it except another day on the calender really? Just another date. Yet it means so much. Affects so much. And Bradley's birthday is once more. How odd! I'll never quite understand it, I am sure.
And it seems to me that everything goes in a circle, beginning to end, it must play out to the end! And I feel like we must play it through all over again - when me and you broke up, Luke, when we broke up I didn't think so much of the good times, I didn't try to understand it all. I did, however, understand tat you were in pain and I accepted that, even allowed you to hurt me, explaining it away. I just ran and distracted myself, and felt empty and confused and heartbroken, and blocked so much of it out. It took me a lot to assert to myself that you should not have hurt me like that. That was not fair on me. That you had seriously psychologically affected me. And it took a lot longer to realise that you had been in a very very place when we were together, and probably before, and definitely after, and I hadn't realised the depth of that. And I never really felt like I had moved on, or fully gotten over you. Because I did remember a lot of the beauty. And tragedy. And I liked the poetic nature of it all. And I loved how much you loved me. Even though so much of it was twisted. But when you passed on it jolted me to look at it all all over again. Relive it, in some way. And it was like the end of the cycle. Like it had to be remembered in some more of its entirety, not all because my memory really does suck, in order to be let go and moved on from. I'm still not sure I have let you go though. The girl with the red balloon doth hold on?
The cycle feels unfinished with Bradley. I need to remember how it was, in more clarity, understand it more deeply, and then it can be let go. I think what I mean is that my mind needs that form of clarity. It's not like I want him back. I just want to understand. And it would be nice to have his company around. I do miss that. But, as I have realised with Luke, there are soo many angles to view things from, and so much has been forgotten, that I can say it's like this, or that, and decide that that feels right or seems to fit, but really it's so much more complex. There is such an array of circumstance and inbuilt reaction and psychological scarring and personal dynamic that these things can be shallowly explained at best. There's still a lot to go to understand Bradley. You're still special to me Luke, as is he. Always. These people, these lives which have touched us, they will always be special and close.
I have another friend, going through a hard time, and I wonder how much I take on. Because I have that tendency. How much is my own? I need to establish alone time. But there are so many songs to learn! haha. That's what you get when your band starts getting gigs. All should be wonderful and perfect; Uni over, possible job approaching, so much music, amazing boyfriend, awesome friends, - but we know how little trust to put in 'should's. Illness corrupts so much. Illness takes so much pleasure away. I feel overwhelmed. And tired. And sore. And on the brink of tears. ~ alone time is required. And some magic to heal me. arghhh thank you Universe. Thank you and thank you and thank you and thank you. And please please please just cover me in a blanket of sleep dust and leave me be for all eternity. Just dissolve this world away.
